“Hi mom,
“It feels so nice to see you at last so full of love and care,
It’s been a long wait and in your arms I feel so safe and secure.
“Although in heaven where I lived, the life was good and fair,
It is so warm being close to you, that I feel better than ever.
“But why unlike heaven, I don’t get the sense of peace in the air,
And why indeed in place of it, there’s a feeling of deep despair?
“Mom, is that a gun on the shoulder of a man who is standing out there?
Why does he need it and in this world, who does he fear?
“And why these men are fighting each other while saying the God’s name?
Fighting for the God who taught them peace, don’t they have any shame?
“And see those men laughing at that boy, can’t they see he’s so poor?
Making fun of him while he shines their shoes, they have no compassion for sure.
“And that man there, who’s pulling his friend down as he climbs the ladder,
Why is he jealous and why can’t he see his friend climb higher and higher?
“Why only few get to worship the god, why don’t they allow others?
Don’t they know that God loves them all, and they are supposed to be brothers?
“And why that man let his baby die, didn’t he love his daughter?
Doesn’t he know that girls are special, and not meant for slaughter?
“Why in this world has the man forgotten to please and to be kind?
Why does he forget that the most important thing is his peace of mind?”
(Mother)
“Yes son, I feel very nice and proud too, to have you in my arms,
And although you ask difficult questions, I shall answer without any qualms.
“That man standing there you see, fears another man with a gun,
Nowadays they fear the gun and not the killing, my son.
“These men fight each other you see, as they belong to different religion
They are fools and just don’t know that god is only but one.
“And those men laughing at the boy, who is trying to earn his bread,
They don’t only lack a heart but also a mind as well.
“And that man who’s pulling his friend is blinded by ambition,
Climbing higher than anyone else is his life’s mission.
“Allowing certain people to worship, is a mystery no one can solve,
The age old traditions are still followed, we just forgot to evolve.
“The man thought of daughter as a burden and didn’t bring her to being,
He must have forgotten his mother, who gave him life and limb.
“When their minds are corrupted with hate, how can men be kind?
And when the thought is to hurt and crib, there can’t be any peace of mind.”
(Child)
“Then why did you bring me here from the heavenly home that I had,
And why do you want me to live in this world which is so bad?
“Why do you want to tarnish my soul which is so pure?
By living among others’, which seem beyond cure?
“I admire that even in this world you remain so good, mom,
But now let’s go and have fun in heaven, where we both belong.”
(Mother)
“Your soul after all is just as pure as others’, my son,
In this dire situation, all the thought you have is of our fun.
“The world is not as bad as many of the men it does contain,
For there are a few very good men, who still remain.
“With these men I shall strive to make this world a better place,
And not until then in my life will I find any solace.
“You meanwhile, can make your way back to heaven,
Have fun, be good and have a safe trip, my son.”
(Child)
“Please forgive me mom as I am a big fool indeed,
But I don’t want to run away and be as bad as the men I see.
“I was making the same mistake that these men made,
Failed to see the good out there, saw the bad instead.
“Mom, help me become the man that I ought to be,
Please tell me about the world of which you dream.”
(Mother)
“Don’t say sorry to me son, for who am I to forgive,
Apologize to the God, if you have to, forgiveness is his to give.
“The world I dream of has no boundaries of caste and religion,
Nor that of countries and I see all men as one.
“It is a world where nobody needs any weapon or ammunition,
A world where there is no fear and nobody needs protection.
“My dream is of a world with honesty and bravery,
Where stealing others’ heart, my son, will be the only thievery.
“In this world we laugh only at the joys people feel,
And help them out of their sorrows, with humor and with zeal.
“In this world whatever we endeavor, is what we find,
And the only thing that we endeavor is good of mankind.
“Here, we will seek to help others climb their ladders,
And the only ambition will be to better ourselves and not others.
“A world where the hearts are as pure as your smile, my son,
And this is the world we shall strive to bring from beyond horizon.
“Bleak though it all may look and our chances all so grim,
We can at least do our bit, let us just not dream.”
(Child)
“A beautiful world you indeed think of and all men will be one,
We both shall strive to bring this world from beyond horizon.”
Monday, October 22, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Chapter 1
It was a very dark and cloudy night. Dixcy was a lonely figure walking on the streets in the middle of the night, eating a banana. Eating bananas will increase your weight, they said. He walked past a couple of donkeys, a few stray dogs and a few stray ummm… lady dogs eying the males of their species. Everything looked quite still, content and quiet. And then suddenly out of nowhere there was a gun shot. In that very still, content and quiet night it felt like a loud fart in a meditation room. Even the dogs showed their awareness by barking and howling. And then came the footsteps. And from nowhere a man came into Dixcy’s view. He was not an Indian. He was hurt pretty bad. His shirt had a large dark stain and it was spreading all the time. He came to Dixcy and collapsed. Dixcy impulsively extended his arms and caught the falling body and cushioned its fall. The man was quite old. He was panting and trying to say something. Dixcy could hardly make out the words.
“I don’t have much time. But there is a task that needs to be accomplished. The good name of the Bush family depends on it.”
Note: It all came out amidst gasps and panting. But for smooth reading of the reader it has been depicted as a plain statement. (That is why the author has a rightful claim as being the most reader friendly author in the world.)
Dixcy was in shock. He just didn’t understand what he was supposed to say. So he just said, “Cool”.
“It’s the Clintons, I know it. They want to embarrass us in front of the world. It’s about the coming elections.”
“Cool.”
“My father and I were staying in the hotel ‘wherethehellisit’. They must have kept us under surveillance. So this evening when my father went to toilet, they came in our room. Room 666. My father always thought he was a bit of a devil. Anyway, they attacked us and kidnapped us. They must have used chloroform. When I woke up, I heard them talking to the hotel staff on the telephone. So that they could tell them the secret which will bring embarrassment to our family and party.”
“But if they were talking to the staff, the public already knows it, don’t they?”
“No, no. They were having a hard time getting through IVR. Those stupid fools were looking for ‘If you want to embarrass Bush family press …’. I managed to get out. But I was found out. And they shot me. Do this dying man a favor. Go to the hotel…”
“Where the hell is it?”
“Yup, that’s the name.”
“No, no. Where the hell is the hotel?”
“How the hell do I know? Can’t you see from the name that even the owners don’t know where the hell is it?”
“Then how do I find it?”
“Just tell the cab driver.”
“But if even the owners don’t know where the hell is ‘wherethehellisit’, then how the hell will a cab driver know?”
“How the hell do I know that how the hell the cab drivers know?”
“Oh just leave it. After I reach the hotel what am I supposed to do?”
“After you get there, go to room 666. There is an attached toilet to the room. Just go inside and…”
“And?”
“Flush the toilet.”
“Flush the toilet?”
“Flush the toilet.” Confirmed the old man.
“That’s it?”
“What do you mean ‘That’s it’? You don’t want the hotel staff going around in public and saying that the men from Bush family don’t even flush the toilet after they have used it!”
“Oh, I think you are right.” Suddenly a sense of purpose was filling Dixcy’s heart. “I will do it. I will do it even if I have to die for the cause.”
“Thank you, son. May god never let your toilet remain unflushed. The good name of the Bush family rests on your shoulders.”
And the old man’s body went limp leaving Dixcy with a sense of achievement. To be trusted by somebody with the good name of his family was a thing to be proud of. He laid the old man down.
“You fool, you didn’t even ask me for a key!”
Dixcy almost suffered a heart attack due to the shock. He took the key from the old man who then seemed to die again. Dixcy triple checked that the old man really was dead. And then ran for the nearest cab stand.
But there was another gunshot. The bullet missed Dixcy by mere inches. He stood where he was, absolutely still. A man suddenly came out of the darkness, just like the old Bush had. He had a gun in his hand. Dixcy identified it as a German mouser, a big, deadly weapon.
“You were watching us” said Dixcy.
“You are a bright kid.”
“No, it’s only that I have read too many thrillers. Why did you wait for so long?”
“I may be cruel but I am not so bad as to ruin the final melodramatic moment of an old man. Put your hands on you head and turn around.” The man was advancing towards him now.
Suddenly Dixcy became aware of what was in his hands. A banana peel! If he could just drop it in the assassin’s path. He dropped it while raising his hands and turned around. In the pitch dark night and the noises made by the dogs; the assassin missed the event altogether. Dixcy heard a ‘thud’ and a lot of swearing. He grabbed the opportunity and ran for his life. To his immense relief he did not hear another gun shot and found a cab right away.
“Take me to ‘wherethehellisit’.”
“Right away, sir.”
The trip took a long time. Dixcy tried to notice the road signs and remember the route. But there was absolutely nothing on the roads.
“How do you remember this route to ‘wherethehellisit’?” he asked the cab driver.
“How the hell do I know that, sir.”
“All right, all right.”
He reached the hotel. He took out his wallet to pay the cabbie and found an unnaturally large amount of money in it. He paid off the cab and almost ran through the main lobby up the stairs to the 6th floor. But he just couldn’t find Room 666. He went back to the reception.
“Where is Room 666?” Dixcy asked the receptionist.
“In the basement, sir.” Said the receptionist in a way which suggested that he actually wanted to say “Where else you idiot?”
“In the basement!”
“Yes, sir. You see it’s the devil’s number.”
This time Dixcy ran down the stairs and promptly found 666. It was the only room in the basement. His hands were shaking with excitement. After all you don’t get the chance to smash an international scandal every day. He fumbled with the key but managed to open the door. He immediately found the door to the toilet. He opened it and froze then and there.
The assassin was standing there with a very small Liliput in his hand. The toilet smelled very foul indeed. Sweat broke out all over Dixcy. He had not seen the assassin properly in darkness. He was short but heavily built, dark and bald. His black eyes were as cold as ice. Merely looking at them gave Dixcy the chills.
“My cabbie knew a shortcut.” The assassin smiled.
“Back there you had a Mouser.” Dixcy said nervously.
“Yes. But when I slipped I dropped it. Couldn’t find it in the darkness. I had this small toy with me. But it was in a secret pocket in my underwear so that, you know, nobody finds it. But it makes the underwear very tight. It took me all the time in the world to get it out. Otherwise I would have shot you there itself.” He sounded a bit embarrassed. “But I can finish off the job now.” He smiled. A cold cold smile. The smell was getting fouler by the minute. Dixcy found it very suffocating.
“The only thing I have not yet decided is whether I shoot you and let you die humanely or kill you with this smell.” Said the assassin. The smell would soon become strong enough to kill a person. A normal person.
“How can you stand this smell?”
“I have been thoroughly trained for any situation.”
Right, thought Dixcy. He must have been made to lie down while the whole country farted in his face. That would have certainly trained him for this situation. But his own situation was becoming quite desperate now. He had to find a way soon. But if he tried to run from the smell, he would be shot dead. And if he didn’t, due to the smell he would drop dead. He took a gamble.
“Hey, look there.” He pointed over the right shoulder of the assassin.
“Don’t even try it kid. I am superbly trained. If somebody tries that over my right shoulder I know he is faking.”
“Oh, then look there.” This time Dixcy pointed over his left shoulder.
“What’s that?” the assassin was startled. He looked behind his left shoulder.
At that moment Dixcy dived forward in Rugby style at the assassin’s midriff. But he might have got better results if he had tried to tackle a brick wall. The assassin simply caught him and hurled him away in the corner. Now he was coming towards Dixcy again. Dixcy frantically groped around him and threw a wad of toilet paper at the assassin. To his astonishment, the assassin gave a cry of terror and dropped his gun. Dixcy took the gun and quickly walked down and flushed the toilet. He sighed with relief. He had averted a big international scandal. The smell started to clear away. Now that he was relatively safe, he thought the men from Bush family do shit very smelly.
The assassin was still shouting in terror. He was curled up in a corner and looking at the wad of toilet paper as if it was a bomb. Dixcy picked up the wad. The assassin stopped shouting but was still looking very nervously at it.
“What the hell just happened?” Dixcy wondered aloud.
“Don’t you throw that at me again. I am allergic to the tissue paper.”
“Oh. But then, err, how do you wash your, you know…”
“Aren’t there any clothes in this world!”
“Oh, got it.” Dixcy was enjoying this now. “Say I throw this at you again, just for kicks?”
“Don’t. You b******, a****** ….”
The voice seemed vaguely familiar to Dixcy.
“You b******, a******, stop shouting in your sleep.”
Dixcy woke up with a start. It was Shikhandi.
“You idiot, you ruined all our sleeps.”
Dixcy saw Marvin and Ramlal had also woken up. Dixcy was drenched in sweat.
“Take this towel” said Ramlal.
“What the hell were you dreaming about?” – Shikhandi.
“wherethehellisit” said Dixcy.
“This is your room, you idiot.”
“No, no. I was dreaming about ‘wherethehellisit’.” And he narrated his dream. “You see I just averted a major international incident.”
“By flushing the toilet?”
“By flushing the toilet.”
“Oh god, just go back to sleep, will you? And for god’s sake stop reading those cheap thrillers.”
“Hey, Ok. I am sleeping. Don’t you say a thing about my collection.”
“Collection? You call these cheap paperbacks a collection? Your dreams have made a bloody insomniac out of me.”
“You think you have problems? Look at me…” – Marvin.
“Oh just shut up Marvin. Go back to sleep.”
“As if sleeping will make life any easy.”
Shikhandi took deep breaths. Seemed to regain a bit of control. “Now that everything is sorted out, I think we should go back to sleep.”
Everybody agreed, went back to their beds. Shikhandi switched off the lights.
“You didn’t think about me even in your dreams. Nobody wants me. Life…”
“Shut up Marvin.”
“Yes, you just want me to lie on my bed and think about this miserable life of mine, don’t you?”
“Yes, please do that.”
“Fine.”
And this is the story of these 4 people and their adventure. Shikhandi, Dixcy, Ramlal and Marvin – The Robot.
“I don’t have much time. But there is a task that needs to be accomplished. The good name of the Bush family depends on it.”
Note: It all came out amidst gasps and panting. But for smooth reading of the reader it has been depicted as a plain statement. (That is why the author has a rightful claim as being the most reader friendly author in the world.)
Dixcy was in shock. He just didn’t understand what he was supposed to say. So he just said, “Cool”.
“It’s the Clintons, I know it. They want to embarrass us in front of the world. It’s about the coming elections.”
“Cool.”
“My father and I were staying in the hotel ‘wherethehellisit’. They must have kept us under surveillance. So this evening when my father went to toilet, they came in our room. Room 666. My father always thought he was a bit of a devil. Anyway, they attacked us and kidnapped us. They must have used chloroform. When I woke up, I heard them talking to the hotel staff on the telephone. So that they could tell them the secret which will bring embarrassment to our family and party.”
“But if they were talking to the staff, the public already knows it, don’t they?”
“No, no. They were having a hard time getting through IVR. Those stupid fools were looking for ‘If you want to embarrass Bush family press …’. I managed to get out. But I was found out. And they shot me. Do this dying man a favor. Go to the hotel…”
“Where the hell is it?”
“Yup, that’s the name.”
“No, no. Where the hell is the hotel?”
“How the hell do I know? Can’t you see from the name that even the owners don’t know where the hell is it?”
“Then how do I find it?”
“Just tell the cab driver.”
“But if even the owners don’t know where the hell is ‘wherethehellisit’, then how the hell will a cab driver know?”
“How the hell do I know that how the hell the cab drivers know?”
“Oh just leave it. After I reach the hotel what am I supposed to do?”
“After you get there, go to room 666. There is an attached toilet to the room. Just go inside and…”
“And?”
“Flush the toilet.”
“Flush the toilet?”
“Flush the toilet.” Confirmed the old man.
“That’s it?”
“What do you mean ‘That’s it’? You don’t want the hotel staff going around in public and saying that the men from Bush family don’t even flush the toilet after they have used it!”
“Oh, I think you are right.” Suddenly a sense of purpose was filling Dixcy’s heart. “I will do it. I will do it even if I have to die for the cause.”
“Thank you, son. May god never let your toilet remain unflushed. The good name of the Bush family rests on your shoulders.”
And the old man’s body went limp leaving Dixcy with a sense of achievement. To be trusted by somebody with the good name of his family was a thing to be proud of. He laid the old man down.
“You fool, you didn’t even ask me for a key!”
Dixcy almost suffered a heart attack due to the shock. He took the key from the old man who then seemed to die again. Dixcy triple checked that the old man really was dead. And then ran for the nearest cab stand.
But there was another gunshot. The bullet missed Dixcy by mere inches. He stood where he was, absolutely still. A man suddenly came out of the darkness, just like the old Bush had. He had a gun in his hand. Dixcy identified it as a German mouser, a big, deadly weapon.
“You were watching us” said Dixcy.
“You are a bright kid.”
“No, it’s only that I have read too many thrillers. Why did you wait for so long?”
“I may be cruel but I am not so bad as to ruin the final melodramatic moment of an old man. Put your hands on you head and turn around.” The man was advancing towards him now.
Suddenly Dixcy became aware of what was in his hands. A banana peel! If he could just drop it in the assassin’s path. He dropped it while raising his hands and turned around. In the pitch dark night and the noises made by the dogs; the assassin missed the event altogether. Dixcy heard a ‘thud’ and a lot of swearing. He grabbed the opportunity and ran for his life. To his immense relief he did not hear another gun shot and found a cab right away.
“Take me to ‘wherethehellisit’.”
“Right away, sir.”
The trip took a long time. Dixcy tried to notice the road signs and remember the route. But there was absolutely nothing on the roads.
“How do you remember this route to ‘wherethehellisit’?” he asked the cab driver.
“How the hell do I know that, sir.”
“All right, all right.”
He reached the hotel. He took out his wallet to pay the cabbie and found an unnaturally large amount of money in it. He paid off the cab and almost ran through the main lobby up the stairs to the 6th floor. But he just couldn’t find Room 666. He went back to the reception.
“Where is Room 666?” Dixcy asked the receptionist.
“In the basement, sir.” Said the receptionist in a way which suggested that he actually wanted to say “Where else you idiot?”
“In the basement!”
“Yes, sir. You see it’s the devil’s number.”
This time Dixcy ran down the stairs and promptly found 666. It was the only room in the basement. His hands were shaking with excitement. After all you don’t get the chance to smash an international scandal every day. He fumbled with the key but managed to open the door. He immediately found the door to the toilet. He opened it and froze then and there.
The assassin was standing there with a very small Liliput in his hand. The toilet smelled very foul indeed. Sweat broke out all over Dixcy. He had not seen the assassin properly in darkness. He was short but heavily built, dark and bald. His black eyes were as cold as ice. Merely looking at them gave Dixcy the chills.
“My cabbie knew a shortcut.” The assassin smiled.
“Back there you had a Mouser.” Dixcy said nervously.
“Yes. But when I slipped I dropped it. Couldn’t find it in the darkness. I had this small toy with me. But it was in a secret pocket in my underwear so that, you know, nobody finds it. But it makes the underwear very tight. It took me all the time in the world to get it out. Otherwise I would have shot you there itself.” He sounded a bit embarrassed. “But I can finish off the job now.” He smiled. A cold cold smile. The smell was getting fouler by the minute. Dixcy found it very suffocating.
“The only thing I have not yet decided is whether I shoot you and let you die humanely or kill you with this smell.” Said the assassin. The smell would soon become strong enough to kill a person. A normal person.
“How can you stand this smell?”
“I have been thoroughly trained for any situation.”
Right, thought Dixcy. He must have been made to lie down while the whole country farted in his face. That would have certainly trained him for this situation. But his own situation was becoming quite desperate now. He had to find a way soon. But if he tried to run from the smell, he would be shot dead. And if he didn’t, due to the smell he would drop dead. He took a gamble.
“Hey, look there.” He pointed over the right shoulder of the assassin.
“Don’t even try it kid. I am superbly trained. If somebody tries that over my right shoulder I know he is faking.”
“Oh, then look there.” This time Dixcy pointed over his left shoulder.
“What’s that?” the assassin was startled. He looked behind his left shoulder.
At that moment Dixcy dived forward in Rugby style at the assassin’s midriff. But he might have got better results if he had tried to tackle a brick wall. The assassin simply caught him and hurled him away in the corner. Now he was coming towards Dixcy again. Dixcy frantically groped around him and threw a wad of toilet paper at the assassin. To his astonishment, the assassin gave a cry of terror and dropped his gun. Dixcy took the gun and quickly walked down and flushed the toilet. He sighed with relief. He had averted a big international scandal. The smell started to clear away. Now that he was relatively safe, he thought the men from Bush family do shit very smelly.
The assassin was still shouting in terror. He was curled up in a corner and looking at the wad of toilet paper as if it was a bomb. Dixcy picked up the wad. The assassin stopped shouting but was still looking very nervously at it.
“What the hell just happened?” Dixcy wondered aloud.
“Don’t you throw that at me again. I am allergic to the tissue paper.”
“Oh. But then, err, how do you wash your, you know…”
“Aren’t there any clothes in this world!”
“Oh, got it.” Dixcy was enjoying this now. “Say I throw this at you again, just for kicks?”
“Don’t. You b******, a****** ….”
The voice seemed vaguely familiar to Dixcy.
“You b******, a******, stop shouting in your sleep.”
Dixcy woke up with a start. It was Shikhandi.
“You idiot, you ruined all our sleeps.”
Dixcy saw Marvin and Ramlal had also woken up. Dixcy was drenched in sweat.
“Take this towel” said Ramlal.
“What the hell were you dreaming about?” – Shikhandi.
“wherethehellisit” said Dixcy.
“This is your room, you idiot.”
“No, no. I was dreaming about ‘wherethehellisit’.” And he narrated his dream. “You see I just averted a major international incident.”
“By flushing the toilet?”
“By flushing the toilet.”
“Oh god, just go back to sleep, will you? And for god’s sake stop reading those cheap thrillers.”
“Hey, Ok. I am sleeping. Don’t you say a thing about my collection.”
“Collection? You call these cheap paperbacks a collection? Your dreams have made a bloody insomniac out of me.”
“You think you have problems? Look at me…” – Marvin.
“Oh just shut up Marvin. Go back to sleep.”
“As if sleeping will make life any easy.”
Shikhandi took deep breaths. Seemed to regain a bit of control. “Now that everything is sorted out, I think we should go back to sleep.”
Everybody agreed, went back to their beds. Shikhandi switched off the lights.
“You didn’t think about me even in your dreams. Nobody wants me. Life…”
“Shut up Marvin.”
“Yes, you just want me to lie on my bed and think about this miserable life of mine, don’t you?”
“Yes, please do that.”
“Fine.”
And this is the story of these 4 people and their adventure. Shikhandi, Dixcy, Ramlal and Marvin – The Robot.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Swearwords and Girls......
Statutory warning :- Using swearwords at wrong places can be injurious to health. Do not use them in front of girls, as much for the (supposedly) bad manners as for your relationship and health.
Swearwords are an integral part of any man’s vocabulary today. They form the very core of our existence. They are the expressions we use to show a variety of emotions. Love, hate, disgust, contempt, admiration, pain, relief, joy or any other conceivable emotion. And the great thing about these swearwords is often we can use the same word for all these expressions. Usually everyone has his pet swear word and that word is used – as I said – to express every emotion. Only the intonation differs, of course. For us it is almost a daily routine. But they sound most out of place when uttered by our female friends. And the situation becomes even more awkward when they don’t know the meaning of the word they say and ask you to explain. As a man who has had a considerable experience with the female counterpart of our species, I have gone through some of these experiences myself.
Once, when I was in college, our Preparation Leave (PL) was going on. And after a marathon effort of studying for half an hour, I needed a change. So I logged on to the messenger to see if I could find someone to chat with. Luckily, a friend (of course, a girl) was online. She had just had her oral exam the day before. So here is how the conversation went:-
“Hey, hi”
“Hi”
“How was your oral?”
“I got screwed”
!!!!!?????
“Hellooooo”
“What did you say?”
“I didn’t say anything. I typed” (So clever)
“Yes, yes. What did you type?”
“I got screwed”
“What happened?”
“I had not prepared and he (the examiner, I hoped) was asking silly things. I couldn’t answer. He totally screwed me (there she goes again)”
“Oh, OK”
“What happened? Did I say anything wrong?”
“Not really, it’s just that I am not used to listening to swearwords from a girl. So when you said that you were screwed, it just didn’t seem right (god forgive me for saying this)”
“It is a swearword? But isn’t it an idiom suggesting that something bad has happened?”
“Not really (oh my god!!!)”
“Tell me what does it mean?”
“I am not so sure that it's a good idea”
“Tell me now” – in a typically girlish manner, when they are angry.
“……………………………………………. That’s what it means”
“How dare you say such things to a girl? You are a. I never want to talk to you again”
“!!!!!!!!!!!??????But hey, wait. Listen to me…” – but she was already offline.
Now, what can you do in such a situation? I have not heard from her since. And this was not my only experience. There was another incident which I just cannot forget. We guys like to start early as far as swearing is concerned. But when we are young, it’s pretty harmless and childish. So when I was younger, a lot younger, I started with “Oh, shit”.
I used to go to a playground near my house where all of us friends used to play together. This is the place where I got my preliminary education in swearing. And while playing cricket, we used to religiously use “Oh, shit” at every missed opportunity, be it a missed boundary or a catch or a stumping. Everybody used to say it, but as fate had it, I had a loud, strong, booming voice. Needless to say there also used to be a few girls playing their own games. And one day, one of those girls came to ask me what I kept on shouting and what its meaning was. At that young age I was oblivious to the dangers of explaining a swearword to a girl and innocent of the calamities it might bring. I duly told her exactly what I shouted and what it meant. And being a person who has an eye for the details, it was a fairly detailed and colorful description (oh, the joys of speaking such things in the childhood!). Usually the girls used to leave early and we boys used to stay back a bit longer. And that day when I reached home, we had a guest. And there are no prizes for guessing that it was the girl’s father. The thrashing I received that night will be etched on my mind (and my body) for eternity. I dimly remember my father telling my mother, “Jau de, lahan aahe (let it go, he is just a child).” My brother (for once) sympathized with me (perhaps he had some experience). But I had learnt my lesson. Even today I don’t use “Oh, shit”, not even by mistake.
But the experience is not bad every time. There are some pleasant surprises in store as well. Once on the day of the 20-20 world cup final between India and Pakistan, I had the misfortune of having to go out on a date. Never imagining that India will reach the final, I had already promised my girlfriend to go out. But I chose the restaurant very wisely. The Bamboo House. It showed the match on a big screen. It meant a hefty sum will leave my account as the restaurant was very expensive, but I could do anything not to miss the match. I timed our arrival to match with the 20 minutes innings break. In such a match the emotions run very high and so do the swear words. The Pakistan inning started.
I was constantly looking at the screen and to my relief and surprise, so was my girlfriend.
Pakistan lost an early wicket. And I shouted, “Go back you s..s..stupid idiot (realizing I was with my girlfriend).”
Sreesanth bowled a poor over, “This a..a..anari cannot even bowl straight!”
Afridi got out, “Got him. We got the b..b..bhikhari!” Oh god, I was feeling so strangled and humiliated for using such c..c..champak swearwords. What will my friends say if they come to know about this!
For this one luckily the waiter was standing nearby. Misbah-ul-haq hit joginder for a six, “Oh f..f..fulke le aa bhai.”
“Sir yaha pe fulke nahi milte.”
“To roti le aa yaar.”
And soon we won the match (I knew it all along), everybody was overjoyed. We shouted, we whistled, everybody hugged everybody. Even my girlfriend who is against any ‘public display of affection’ was jumping with joy and (incredibly) hugged me. Slowly, everybody settled down to their dinners. Ladies pulled out their pocket (or should I say purse) mirrors to check their make up. Men resumed eating, content with proceedings.
And suddenly, “Oh f***, you messed up my hair.”
I looked at my girlfriend open mouthed. I was dumb founded. And she realized what she had said.
“Oh shit! I said **** .”
And again I looked at her disbelievingly.
“Oh shit! I said shit!” - she was almost hysterical.
I had regained control by now, “Hey, calm down and don’t worry. Just go to the wash room and get your hair in order.” I wondered why she was all worked up for swearing, I did it all the time. Girls, I concluded, I will never understand them.
When she came back she was back in control of herself. She said “Thanks” and I wondered. Perhaps I may get some additional ‘affection’ when I drop her at her home. Well, it was a possibility anyway and it doesn’t harm anybody to dream.
So boys, I strongly recommend not to use the swearwords in front of the girls. Not only is it bad manners, but also it can be fatal to your relationship and health (Read the statutory warning, in case you have not).
Nowadays, being in the ‘corporate’ world I have changed a lot and attained a fair degree of control over what I say in public places (meaning where there are girls). But then, every once in a while, college friends come to visit and the first word uttered (by all of us) is the favorite swearword brought out from deep within. And I think I have not changed at all.
Swearwords are an integral part of any man’s vocabulary today. They form the very core of our existence. They are the expressions we use to show a variety of emotions. Love, hate, disgust, contempt, admiration, pain, relief, joy or any other conceivable emotion. And the great thing about these swearwords is often we can use the same word for all these expressions. Usually everyone has his pet swear word and that word is used – as I said – to express every emotion. Only the intonation differs, of course. For us it is almost a daily routine. But they sound most out of place when uttered by our female friends. And the situation becomes even more awkward when they don’t know the meaning of the word they say and ask you to explain. As a man who has had a considerable experience with the female counterpart of our species, I have gone through some of these experiences myself.
Once, when I was in college, our Preparation Leave (PL) was going on. And after a marathon effort of studying for half an hour, I needed a change. So I logged on to the messenger to see if I could find someone to chat with. Luckily, a friend (of course, a girl) was online. She had just had her oral exam the day before. So here is how the conversation went:-
“Hey, hi”
“Hi”
“How was your oral?”
“I got screwed”
!!!!!?????
“Hellooooo”
“What did you say?”
“I didn’t say anything. I typed” (So clever)
“Yes, yes. What did you type?”
“I got screwed”
“What happened?”
“I had not prepared and he (the examiner, I hoped) was asking silly things. I couldn’t answer. He totally screwed me (there she goes again)”
“Oh, OK”
“What happened? Did I say anything wrong?”
“Not really, it’s just that I am not used to listening to swearwords from a girl. So when you said that you were screwed, it just didn’t seem right (god forgive me for saying this)”
“It is a swearword? But isn’t it an idiom suggesting that something bad has happened?”
“Not really (oh my god!!!)”
“Tell me what does it mean?”
“I am not so sure that it's a good idea”
“Tell me now” – in a typically girlish manner, when they are angry.
“……………………………………………. That’s what it means”
“How dare you say such things to a girl? You are a
“!!!!!!!!!!!??????But hey, wait. Listen to me…” – but she was already offline.
Now, what can you do in such a situation? I have not heard from her since. And this was not my only experience. There was another incident which I just cannot forget. We guys like to start early as far as swearing is concerned. But when we are young, it’s pretty harmless and childish. So when I was younger, a lot younger, I started with “Oh, shit”.
I used to go to a playground near my house where all of us friends used to play together. This is the place where I got my preliminary education in swearing. And while playing cricket, we used to religiously use “Oh, shit” at every missed opportunity, be it a missed boundary or a catch or a stumping. Everybody used to say it, but as fate had it, I had a loud, strong, booming voice. Needless to say there also used to be a few girls playing their own games. And one day, one of those girls came to ask me what I kept on shouting and what its meaning was. At that young age I was oblivious to the dangers of explaining a swearword to a girl and innocent of the calamities it might bring. I duly told her exactly what I shouted and what it meant. And being a person who has an eye for the details, it was a fairly detailed and colorful description (oh, the joys of speaking such things in the childhood!). Usually the girls used to leave early and we boys used to stay back a bit longer. And that day when I reached home, we had a guest. And there are no prizes for guessing that it was the girl’s father. The thrashing I received that night will be etched on my mind (and my body) for eternity. I dimly remember my father telling my mother, “Jau de, lahan aahe (let it go, he is just a child).” My brother (for once) sympathized with me (perhaps he had some experience). But I had learnt my lesson. Even today I don’t use “Oh, shit”, not even by mistake.
But the experience is not bad every time. There are some pleasant surprises in store as well. Once on the day of the 20-20 world cup final between India and Pakistan, I had the misfortune of having to go out on a date. Never imagining that India will reach the final, I had already promised my girlfriend to go out. But I chose the restaurant very wisely. The Bamboo House. It showed the match on a big screen. It meant a hefty sum will leave my account as the restaurant was very expensive, but I could do anything not to miss the match. I timed our arrival to match with the 20 minutes innings break. In such a match the emotions run very high and so do the swear words. The Pakistan inning started.
I was constantly looking at the screen and to my relief and surprise, so was my girlfriend.
Pakistan lost an early wicket. And I shouted, “Go back you s..s..stupid idiot (realizing I was with my girlfriend).”
Sreesanth bowled a poor over, “This a..a..anari cannot even bowl straight!”
Afridi got out, “Got him. We got the b..b..bhikhari!” Oh god, I was feeling so strangled and humiliated for using such c..c..champak swearwords. What will my friends say if they come to know about this!
For this one luckily the waiter was standing nearby. Misbah-ul-haq hit joginder for a six, “Oh f..f..fulke le aa bhai.”
“Sir yaha pe fulke nahi milte.”
“To roti le aa yaar.”
And soon we won the match (I knew it all along), everybody was overjoyed. We shouted, we whistled, everybody hugged everybody. Even my girlfriend who is against any ‘public display of affection’ was jumping with joy and (incredibly) hugged me. Slowly, everybody settled down to their dinners. Ladies pulled out their pocket (or should I say purse) mirrors to check their make up. Men resumed eating, content with proceedings.
And suddenly, “Oh f***, you messed up my hair.”
I looked at my girlfriend open mouthed. I was dumb founded. And she realized what she had said.
“Oh shit! I said **** .”
And again I looked at her disbelievingly.
“Oh shit! I said shit!” - she was almost hysterical.
I had regained control by now, “Hey, calm down and don’t worry. Just go to the wash room and get your hair in order.” I wondered why she was all worked up for swearing, I did it all the time. Girls, I concluded, I will never understand them.
When she came back she was back in control of herself. She said “Thanks” and I wondered. Perhaps I may get some additional ‘affection’ when I drop her at her home. Well, it was a possibility anyway and it doesn’t harm anybody to dream.
So boys, I strongly recommend not to use the swearwords in front of the girls. Not only is it bad manners, but also it can be fatal to your relationship and health (Read the statutory warning, in case you have not).
Nowadays, being in the ‘corporate’ world I have changed a lot and attained a fair degree of control over what I say in public places (meaning where there are girls). But then, every once in a while, college friends come to visit and the first word uttered (by all of us) is the favorite swearword brought out from deep within. And I think I have not changed at all.
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