Swearwords are an integral part of any man’s vocabulary today. They form the very core of our existence. They are the expressions we use to show a variety of emotions. Love, hate, disgust, contempt, admiration, pain, relief, joy or any other conceivable emotion. And the great thing about these swearwords is often we can use the same word for all these expressions. Usually everyone has his pet swear word and that word is used – as I said – to express every emotion. Only the intonation differs, of course. For us it is almost a daily routine. But they sound most out of place when uttered by our female friends. And the situation becomes even more awkward when they don’t know the meaning of the word they say and ask you to explain. As a man who has had a considerable experience with the female counterpart of our species, I have gone through some of these experiences myself.
Once, when I was in college, our Preparation Leave (PL) was going on. And after a marathon effort of studying for half an hour, I needed a change. So I logged on to the messenger to see if I could find someone to chat with. Luckily, a friend (of course, a girl) was online. She had just had her oral exam the day before. So here is how the conversation went:-
“Hey, hi”
“Hi”
“How was your oral?”
“I got screwed”
!!!!!?????
“Hellooooo”
“What did you say?”
“I didn’t say anything. I typed” (So clever)
“Yes, yes. What did you type?”
“I got screwed”
“What happened?”
“I had not prepared and he (the examiner, I hoped) was asking silly things. I couldn’t answer. He totally screwed me (there she goes again)”
“Oh, OK”
“What happened? Did I say anything wrong?”
“Not really, it’s just that I am not used to listening to swearwords from a girl. So when you said that you were screwed, it just didn’t seem right (god forgive me for saying this)”
“It is a swearword? But isn’t it an idiom suggesting that something bad has happened?”
“Not really (oh my god!!!)”
“Tell me what does it mean?”
“I am not so sure that it's a good idea”
“Tell me now” – in a typically girlish manner, when they are angry.
“……………………………………………. That’s what it means”
“How dare you say such things to a girl? You are a
“!!!!!!!!!!!??????But hey, wait. Listen to me…” – but she was already offline.
Now, what can you do in such a situation? I have not heard from her since. And this was not my only experience. There was another incident which I just cannot forget. We guys like to start early as far as swearing is concerned. But when we are young, it’s pretty harmless and childish. So when I was younger, a lot younger, I started with “Oh, shit”.
I used to go to a playground near my house where all of us friends used to play together. This is the place where I got my preliminary education in swearing. And while playing cricket, we used to religiously use “Oh, shit” at every missed opportunity, be it a missed boundary or a catch or a stumping. Everybody used to say it, but as fate had it, I had a loud, strong, booming voice. Needless to say there also used to be a few girls playing their own games. And one day, one of those girls came to ask me what I kept on shouting and what its meaning was. At that young age I was oblivious to the dangers of explaining a swearword to a girl and innocent of the calamities it might bring. I duly told her exactly what I shouted and what it meant. And being a person who has an eye for the details, it was a fairly detailed and colorful description (oh, the joys of speaking such things in the childhood!). Usually the girls used to leave early and we boys used to stay back a bit longer. And that day when I reached home, we had a guest. And there are no prizes for guessing that it was the girl’s father. The thrashing I received that night will be etched on my mind (and my body) for eternity. I dimly remember my father telling my mother, “Jau de, lahan aahe (let it go, he is just a child).” My brother (for once) sympathized with me (perhaps he had some experience). But I had learnt my lesson. Even today I don’t use “Oh, shit”, not even by mistake.
But the experience is not bad every time. There are some pleasant surprises in store as well. Once on the day of the 20-20 world cup final between India and Pakistan, I had the misfortune of having to go out on a date. Never imagining that India will reach the final, I had already promised my girlfriend to go out. But I chose the restaurant very wisely. The Bamboo House. It showed the match on a big screen. It meant a hefty sum will leave my account as the restaurant was very expensive, but I could do anything not to miss the match. I timed our arrival to match with the 20 minutes innings break. In such a match the emotions run very high and so do the swear words. The Pakistan inning started.
I was constantly looking at the screen and to my relief and surprise, so was my girlfriend.
Pakistan lost an early wicket. And I shouted, “Go back you s..s..stupid idiot (realizing I was with my girlfriend).”
Sreesanth bowled a poor over, “This a..a..anari cannot even bowl straight!”
Afridi got out, “Got him. We got the b..b..bhikhari!” Oh god, I was feeling so strangled and humiliated for using such c..c..champak swearwords. What will my friends say if they come to know about this!
For this one luckily the waiter was standing nearby. Misbah-ul-haq hit joginder for a six, “Oh f..f..fulke le aa bhai.”
“Sir yaha pe fulke nahi milte.”
“To roti le aa yaar.”
And soon we won the match (I knew it all along), everybody was overjoyed. We shouted, we whistled, everybody hugged everybody. Even my girlfriend who is against any ‘public display of affection’ was jumping with joy and (incredibly) hugged me. Slowly, everybody settled down to their dinners. Ladies pulled out their pocket (or should I say purse) mirrors to check their make up. Men resumed eating, content with proceedings.
And suddenly, “Oh f***, you messed up my hair.”
I looked at my girlfriend open mouthed. I was dumb founded. And she realized what she had said.
“Oh shit! I said **** .”
And again I looked at her disbelievingly.
“Oh shit! I said shit!” - she was almost hysterical.
I had regained control by now, “Hey, calm down and don’t worry. Just go to the wash room and get your hair in order.” I wondered why she was all worked up for swearing, I did it all the time. Girls, I concluded, I will never understand them.
When she came back she was back in control of herself. She said “Thanks” and I wondered. Perhaps I may get some additional ‘affection’ when I drop her at her home. Well, it was a possibility anyway and it doesn’t harm anybody to dream.
So boys, I strongly recommend not to use the swearwords in front of the girls. Not only is it bad manners, but also it can be fatal to your relationship and health (Read the statutory warning, in case you have not).
Nowadays, being in the ‘corporate’ world I have changed a lot and attained a fair degree of control over what I say in public places (meaning where there are girls). But then, every once in a while, college friends come to visit and the first word uttered (by all of us) is the favorite swearword brought out from deep within. And I think I have not changed at all.
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