Chapter 2

Cribbing is a difficult business at the best of times. Some people find it tough even when life is very unfairly harsh to them. Disgusting folks, those are. Some people are just not up for it, some people crib occasionally, some are rather frequent and many crib regularly just like a routine. Cribbing is an art. Most of these cribbers just don’t do it well enough; some are really good at it while some are exceptional cribbers. But very few, perhaps only a handful, are born cribbers. Marvin – The Robot is one of them.

He is considered by many as the most dangerous weapon yet designed to destroy all of mankind’s dreams and hopes. All these ‘many’ are or have been (male) students of Slabchand College of Engineering, the best college in the world. ‘He spreads the gloom over you just like a carpet on the floor’, they say.

NOTE: The author is not very good at analogies. So, here is the deal, you don’t raise a hue and cry about it and you won’t have the headache it causes. A win-win situation for you, I must say.

The legend has it that he – Marvin – had actually, incredibly, resolutely, irrevocably, astoundingly, flatteringly, amazingly, magnanimously, confidently, delicately, inconsolably smiled when he was born. But his father vehemently denies it.

“It’s an outrageous lie. He has never in his life – I repeat – he has never in his whole life given even a flicker of a smile. This is a rumor. Please keep spreading these rumors for us to deny and crib about it. Life has been very unfairly kind to him, please don’t make it more so by stopping these rumors”, he says.

Life had indeed been very (unfairly) kind to him. His father was one of those good natured and happy go lucky guys who also happen to be extremely intelligent, very rare they are. That was till he came across Douglas Adams’ ‘The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy’. For those who haven’t read the book, there is a character named Marvin, the paranoid android. He is a robot with vast intelligence. But nobody actually wanted him around because he was a great cribber. Marvin’s father was so taken by the gravity and relativity of this character that he took up cribbing big time. But he always remained one of those struggling cribbers who make cribbing their life’s passion, but actually are not very good at it. Many factors went into his failure as a cribber. The obvious lack of talent coupled with the utter lack of occasions (to crib) throughout his life contributed to his downfall. He had a lovely wife, a good job and understanding colleagues. In short he had everything that a cribber despises. And his lack of talent meant that he could not even crib about the fact that he had everything that he despised. He plummeted to the brightest depths of hope and happiness. Even his failure as a cribber could not give him the hopeless feeling that he so longed for. But he kept toiling very hard to achieve his goal. And then came the incident which finally made him admit that he was after all a very very bad cribber.

Marvin was born.

Even as a baby, Marvin was a champion cribber. He never actually cried but he never – as we have established – actually even gave a flicker of a smile. His father could sense a genius in the making. His heart was filled with joy and hope that his son could be the greatest cribber the world has ever known.

‘The world is not so bad after all’, he thought.

This hope and joy made him admit to his weakness as a cribber. But he was determined that his son will lack everything that a man wants. He named him after the best cribber he had known, Marvin. But, a normal name! He should not have the privilege of a normal name. And so, he added a byline – The Robot. And he thought, ‘My son must be the only person to have a byline added to his name. That will give him something to crib about.’ But he need not have bothered. Marvin didn’t need a reason to crib about.

He was very geometrical in appearance. Every major part of his body looked like a cube placed on top of another. His face was a cube kept on another cube named neck and so on. His black eyes were two perfect ellipses in his face, his nose an inverted ‘T’ with nostrils at perfect right angles to the stem of his nose and his mouth was a thin horizontal line. To add to it, he had the perfect rectangular framed glasses. He was thin so some of his bones just protruded out of his skin at some points like shoulders and elbows. He moved in a very robotic fashion as well, stiff and abrupt. His hair was sleek, shiny and pressed flat on his head, giving his head the appearance of a metallic skull. If only he had an antenna on his head, he would be the exact robot look alike.

He was very much like Marvin, the paranoid android. Not only did he have the cribbing talent and robotic looks but also the tremendous brain power. He was extremely intelligent. This is a deadly combination. A talent to crib about everything in life and brains to use that talent most destructively. No wonder that he could spread the gloom over people like a carpet over the floor. That’s why people (males) always tended to avoid him.

His intelligence made sure he never had to struggle for anything in life. He always got the best grades, the best schools which in turn again meant the best grades which finally meant the best college. But on no account did these mean the best thing(s) that he got and that was the best girls. Some were foolish enough to try and figure out the logic behind this foolish phenomenon. They asked themselves (mostly when they were drunk), how can girls like a guy who is, perhaps, the best cribber the world has ever seen and who has the amazingly squarest features with bones protruding from his frame like nuts and bolts? And they came up with some interesting answers.

One theory connected girls’ love of sad stories, movies and songs with the gloom that Marvin could spread. Some people connected the role of women behind major historical wars and Marvin’s reputation as the most dangerous weapon to destroy all of mankind’s hope and desires. They said that girls cultivated him to spread gloom and in turn destroy happiness. Some simply said that girls wanted to make other guys feel jealous and incapable by being with Marvin. Some were stupid enough to ask Marvin; who then went on and cribbed about how even he doesn’t know the reason. These guys came back even more dejected than they already were. And some still had the guts to ask the girls; who first went mad and said how these boys dare ask them such personal questions, then mellowed down to say that Marvin had the most amazingly tragic stories to tell, then went in rage again to say how these boys dare make them speak these personal things, then went all girly and blushed to say that Marvin was very charming indeed and finally became indifferent to tell those boys to go and get lost to wherever they got lost when they were depressed. The boys promptly did that and went to the nearest bar.

But the theory which describes nearly all these discrepancies convincingly and thus was the most accepted simply stated that girls had, have or will have no brains.

Marvin has a hobby. He writes poems and articles in his leisure time. His favorite author is Shakespeare. Because he could write the saddest tragedies, Marvin says. Although he was not in the league of Shakespeare (for which he cribbed, as usual), he had a few small poems in his kitty. All of them were greatly depressing and a piece of art. He once wrote a poem on his father whom he despised, because he was always so happy. Here is how it goes

I saw a happy guy and thought what a poor fellow,
So, I went to see him and just to say hello.

I asked him the reason for his happiness and his face lit up,
He gave me an answer that made me sit up.

The poor guy hadn’t known a sorrow in his life,
He had a good job and a wonderful wife.

Although he had grown old, life had taught him nothing,
He never really brooded and didn’t know virtues of cribbing.

Oh God, why are you unkind, what wrong has he done?
For what mistake of his have you filled his life with fun?

God, he needs your curses, for his life is so fair,
I beg you to fill his life with despair.

Amen.

He had authored another poem on life itself titled ‘I tell you why I say so’. This was his favorite self composition. It throws into light how actually he perceives life and wishes everyone to do the same. Here is how it goes

Life is a Cricket match, with an unplayable pitch,
I tell you why I say so, because life is a bitch.

Life is a donkey, who gives everyone a kick,
I tell you why I say so, because life is sick.

Life is a man, who has had a lot of drinks,
I tell you why I say so, because life stinks.

Life is a dentist, who bills you for your dental,
I tell you why I say so, because life is mental.

Life is a whore, who screws for some bucks,
I tell you why I say so, because life sucks.

Life is a snake, which comes out of a pit,
I tell you why I say so, because life is full of shit.

Life is a furnace, which is ignited to stew you,
I tell you why I say so, because life will always screw you.

So, this is our Marvin, a multi faceted personality. But there is one guy on the back of this earth on whom Marvin has absolutely no effect at all. And it’s not that he hasn’t tried, it’s just that all his cribbing bounces off that guy like a rubber ball off a wall. And incidentally that guy also studies in Slabchand College of Engineering, the best college in the world. And his name is Ramlal.