The letter – when it came – wasn’t really shocking to be honest. Rather, it was disappointing and it made me very angry. I hadn’t shared the apprehension that Aaji had been feeling. Indeed, I had been positively relaxed because Baba had given his word that he will come back. But this time he hadn’t kept it. Of all the times to go back on his word, he had chosen this one time when he had no business to. Aaji had told him repeatedly not to go. But he didn’t pay any heed. He knew he was getting on with his age; he knew his reflexes and his nerves weren’t quite what they used to be, but still he went. He just didn’t care. Of course, there was that hogwash about being the gifted one and all. I should never have fallen for it; I should have put my foot down and kept it there. It was my mistake, all mine, I thought bitterly.
The letter went on to convey the condolences from Baba’s friend – Ramchandra Raghuvanshi – and the ‘tragic’ circumstances of his death. His friend also apologized for being the one to make him come out of the forced retirement to help out. Also along with the letter he had sent Baba’s baggage and a Kalash containing his ashes. When I finished reading the letter, I looked up at Aaji. She looked sad but didn’t burst into hysterics as I had thought she would. She was very pale but restrained. She came to sit beside me and put her hand on my head. She stroked my hair gently and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I buried my face in her lap and wept. She just sat there holding me.
“He was very special – my first child.” She said, and I could almost sense a fond smile. “I will miss him, of course. But he had to go, you know. He wasn’t going to listen to either of us. And he was right. Very few people could do what he could. He had a responsibility to employ his gift for the good of the people. He did just that. It is a pity that he had to die in the cause. A great man, I will always remember him with fondness.” I nodded. I stopped crying and slept. She sat there with my head in her lap and kept stroking my hair with tender care.
For the next few days I was busy with religious rituals. But during all that time only one thought occupied me. I told Aaji so. She had been curiously subdued since we had heard of Baba’s death.
“Why do you want to go there?” She was reproving – but only mildly.
“Baba left his job unfinished. Those people up there still need help.” I answered.
“You are not going there to help out, I know that. You have been very restless since the day we received the letter. You didn’t show it but I know you have been angry as well. You are going there for revenge, aren’t you?” I didn’t answer, she knew it – she had said it. “You know, of course, that it will be very dangerous? And you have, of course, thought about an old woman who would be left alone if you didn’t return?”
I looked at her guiltily. I hadn’t thought about that. I now began to appreciate what Baba’s death must have meant for her. She hadn’t any family of her own. She had been with our family for only god knew how many years. She had been a nanny to Baba as well. She had known him for all his life. She had been a mother to him as he was growing up. As she had said – he was her first child. She had lost a son but buried all her pain to make sure she was there for her daughter. And that daughter was now acting like an ungrateful swine. My resolve began to waver.
“I don’t want to stop you from going. I understand that you must go – for it is time for you to grow up and out of your father’s shadow; to make your own world. To have your own experiences and to do your own things – that’s what youth craves for.” I couldn’t help but wonder; how quickly she had known what I was thinking. How quickly she had understood what I wanted and what was testing my resolve to accomplish it. And then I thought how much of her youth must she have sacrificed for Baba and for me. She continued, “I just wanted you to know that as you go, you take with yourself the reason for my living. And when you come back the reason comes back with you.”
I noticed she had used ‘when’ and not ‘if’. I also noticed she had not mentioned what will happen if I didn’t come back. I stopped thinking, I couldn’t even contemplate the thought.
In a couple of days I was ready to go. I touched Aaji’s feet for her blessings. And for the umpteenth time I wondered about her iron self control. Not a single forbidding teardrop in her eyes, in fact, a smile on her lips to wish me luck. But it didn’t fool me one bit. I knew what it must be like for her to see me go. She kissed me lightly on the forehead and bade me farewell.
I looked back for the last time before I turned the corner. I could see her standing in the doorway. She smiled and waved and I answered in the same vein. Then I turned my back and went on my way.
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